I wanted to talk about Florida feet, you know the big feet all Floridians have, because no matter what Cristela says, it’s a good topic. People have no idea what we suffer in Florida. Everyone thinks it’s all beaches and Disney. They forget about sticky humidity and bugs. Folks in New York complain about roaches, well at least they never saw one fly! So yeah, we have flying roaches and sweaty wide feet and I plan to let everyone know about it, but not now. Right now, I’m going to answer the question I always get when I tell people I work in dungeon, “What’s it like being a professional dominatrix?” That’s what people want to hear about, not airplane inventors and Puerto Rican frogs, or whatever the hell Cristela and Justine have been babbling about. So here are the top five SECRETS I learned while working as a dominatrix. 

1.     Don’t worry about your boobs, guys don’t care about them as much as you think. Sin had droopy boobs with nipples the size of soda cans. (Seriously, like those small six-pack Pepsi cans.) But when she plopped those boobies into a DD Victoria Secret push up with extra support, clients were lining up for breast worship. It’s like my Oma Nica used to say, “pour some gravy on meatloaf and call it Salisbury Steak.” Never underestimate the power of presentation. Men want a goddess to worship. So have confidence in yourself. Don’t fret over patches of cellulite or spider veins, focus yourself on your beauty and power. When you play the role of the goddess, men will willingly play along.

2.     Guys do care about feet. The world is full of weird. What most people find unattractive, someone, somewhere will think is a turn-on. Take body hair. People (and I mean even guys) wax and laser and zap hairs out of existence, but there are fetishes out there for the hairy.  Once I knew a dominatrix named Lisa whose specialty clients was bush whackers. She used to parade around in tank tops to show off the puff of fluff under her arms. Bush whackers couldn’t get enough of her. So yes, people have different tastes, BUT I have yet to meet anyone who likes ugly feet. I’m not talking about foot fetishists, I’m talking about an average guy. Take off your bra and if your boobs droop a little that’s ok, but take off your boots and start stinking up a room, that’s another story! So scrub your feet to keep them soft and stinkless, because men both freaky and normal appreciate nice feet.

3.     Voices are sexy. I dated this really tall football player with a squeaky voice once. It didn’t work out. Whenever he spoke, he reminded me of the little kids I used to babysit. I saw a biography of Lauren Bacall that said she had a voice coach to give her that deep “just whistle” voice which made her a star.  So for men and women, keeping your tone dialed down to a bedroom base is a good idea. Another good idea is the tactical use of little sexy sounds. In real sex it’s essential. It’s hard to know whether you doing the right moves unless you get a little verbal feedback. But don’t overdo it with lots of instructions because that will have you sounding like voice directions on Google maps. Keep it to a simple couple of “mmms” and “ahhs”. I heard that these non-word noises are called “vocal say greats” or “voice segregation” – whatever it is, it works. Even while on the job with a client these little hummers come in handy. For example, if a guy is stroking you with a teddy bear (as one of my regulars, Wayne often does) a few of these theatrical touches strokes his ego right back!

4.     Stick with your sisters no matter what. I’m not just talking about your real sisters, like my sisters Rita and Frieda, I’m talking about the women you’re friends with, even the ones who sometimes annoy you. Take the girls at the dungeon as an example, Virginia might be bossy, Justine is a know-it-all, and Cristela keeps her nose up in the air, but they’re still my girls. When I need them for a loan, a ride home or even to cover a session, they always have my back.  Boys come and go but your girls are like the Floridian heat. You can’t shake the heat and bothersome as it might be at times, without it you’re nothing but cold.  

5.     Everyone wants to be captivating so that no one would ever leave them. That’s where the word captivating comes from – “captive” as in you can’t leave. Look at Hiro. He wants a girl to strip down to her undies and just sleep near him. No touching, just sleep. Weird right?  So this one time, I jumped off the bed and he completely freaked out. He kept saying “no leave me.” I wasn’t leaving, I just went to my locker to get a Demerol, but the way he was whining you’d think I left him stranded by the roadside. I understood then why he wants a girl who sleeps, it’s because sleeping girls don’t leave. Whether sleeping or in handcuffs our clients want a girl they can keep. Even the clients who want a “mean” woman who enjoys beating them can rest assured that at least she won’t leave them.  Afterall if you can captivate someone, at least you won’t have to worry about being left alone.

 So, there you have it, 5 secrets to relationship success: get a pedicure, not a boob job, go Lauren Bacall with your voice, don’t let your path of seduction mess with your girlfriends and finally, let your guy know that he’s special. Next time I’ll be sharing secrets to winning over a lady’s heart based on my profession experience. I think I’ll title that, “How to chain her heart, not her wrists.”